When self-image differs from what's in the mirror

I recently sat in a room of 7 genderqueer people on the FTM (born-female) spectrum. Three of them were under 25, of the lanky-boyish version of androgynous. One was my age but also very "boyish" looking. And the rest of us were over 30 and all technically "overweight" or "obese" (by BMI standards). The whole topic of conversation among the younger people was how evil dieting is, how destructive negative self-image is, how fat-positive they are.

And yet... there they were in skin that had never had to be crammed into a too-small airplane seat for a 6 hour flight. Never had to hold their chests with their arms as they ran. Part of me felt like, while it's great that they support people who are comfortable with their bodies, their own seeming fixation with the topic really felt patronizing. They really have no idea what it's like to experience what I experience every day, moving through life as a larger person. They've never faced fat bias in society, or the health problems that go with being technically "obese."

At the same time. Here they all were, genderqueer identified, all people who have at least contemplated taking male hormones, and bind their breasts or have surgically removed them, or plan to, or defensively explain why they don't plan to. It makes no sense to me why it is imperative for fat people to love their bodies, and not desire to change them to match your mental image of yourself, while it is perfectly acceptable to want to change your body to fit your mental image of your gender.

How does that work again?

If we are going to say that feminism demands that we accept our bodies as they are, and reject culturally-bound notions of what our bodies should look like, shouldn't that apply to all culturally-bound notions of embodiment?

In my view, it seems like feminism demands that we determine for ourselves what we want from our lives, what our priorities are. It means we reject the idea that others can determine for us what we can and can not (or should and should not) do with our bodies. It means we affirm our rational ability to decide for ourselves, that we can and do arm ourselves with knowledge to make our choices, that we are *not* the subhuman soulless and uneducable beings some patriarchal societies have believed us to be.

Doesn't that mean making our own choices about what we want to look like, act like, be?

If that means that a female bodied person aspires to change sexes, that is a choice feminism compels us to accept as valid---whether we agree or not.
If that means someone chooses to bend gender rules, cross dress, request the use of gender neutral pronouns, that is also a choice feminism compels us to accept.
Likewise with all choices we make about our embodiment. If we choose to lose weight, or not lose weight, those are our choices.

Yet we---at least those of us who are feminists in the queer community---have created a backlash against people who have made a decision to pursue a leaner, stronger body in a climate that insists we should love our fat. How is that feminist?

And if we are so fat-positive and accepting of "real" bodies, why is this topic so loaded? Acceptance isn't loaded. Being PC is.